Here’s the main rule: No underpants; no boxers; no jock straps; no granny bloomers; no thongs - nothing whatsoever.
Here’s how the game will be played:
York Region chairman Bill Fisch invites mayor candidates from across our nine municipalities to step on to the stage.
With the help of municipal CAOs, the mayor hopefuls’ pants will be tied off at the ankles.
Let the drum role begin:
Animal control officers from Georgina will step forward and drop a vicious fur-coated, foot-long ferret down the pants of each of the mayoralty candidates.
Ontario Minister of Municipal Affairs will then announce that the election has been cancelled and the English game called ferret-legging will determine who’ll wear mayoral chains for the next four years.
Belts will be tightened. Candidates will stand there as long as they can, while animals with claws like hypodermic needles and teeth like carpet tacks try their damnedest to get out.
To be fair, the candidates will each carry a white handkerchief in a back pocket. When they can’t take it any more, they’ll wave the hanky in surrender.
Here’s what we can expect.
In Markham:
Frank Scarpitti will be tipped off and turn up wearing tight leather pants. The tipster will fail to mention that skin huggers won’t help. Frank, know this and know it now: The little bastards have to move around inside from ankle to ankle.
Partap Dua will file discrimination charges against the ferret, the chairman of the region, the Minister of Municipal Affairs, all the CEOs, the animal control officers, the other candidates, the janitor and all the voters.
Since Sam Orrico’s in jail, the ferret will show mercy and curl up and go to sleep.
In Richmond Hill
Dave Barrow will follow the rules: no filing of teeth, no clipping of nails and no doping for him or the ferret. And, no getting drunk. Barrow will be the first to announce that he has a lot to lose.
Since ferrets live by this code: what’s theirs is theirs and what’s yours is up for grabs, David McCann will cut his loses and head for the hills.
Ramon Datol and Anastasios Baxevanidis will both bank on the ferret finding buried treasurers, pull in the claws and play.
In Whitchurch-Stouffville
Even though incumbent Sue Sherban will yell, stomp her feet and thrown herself on the floor, the ferret won’t care.
Just as the ferret is being dropped down Wayne Emmerson’s pants, the candidate will whack it over the head with a two-by-four. The lumber salesman/former mayor will then go at it with a nail gun. It’ll turn into a bloody mess, the judges will quit.
Pamela Courtot will call the little weasel a victim of injustice and try to turn it into a pacifist. Meanwhile, Randy Mole will write a 72-page letter demanding the little fury corporate bugger vacate his pants immediately or face an Ontario Municipal Board hearing.
Don Barber comes to the race with an edge. In real life, Barber is the head of a ferret- rescue club. He’s the only candidate who respects the fact ferrets are the only creature known to mankind to kill for kicks.
Not to worry, Barber always wears protection.
In Vaughan
Surprise. Surprise. Michael Di Biase will rub baby oil all over his legs hoping the damned ferret slips and slides himself to death before discovering anything important.
Paul Stewart’s and Savino Quetela’s ferrets will leave nothing to the imagination All things will be inspected. In the end, Stewart and Quetela will vow never to run for public office again. It’s just too painful.
The hurt won’t phase Linda Jackson. As long as her ferret doesn’t hack into her e-mail, she’ll put up a good fight.
In Georgina
Peter Juras is no fool: He knows that when it comes to ferrets, anything that can be turned over or dragged off, no matter the size, is fair game. Juras will promise to find his ferret a wife. The life-saving idea being: the pair will prance, dance and wrestle each other, leaving anything that belongs to Juras alone.
When it comes to protecting the family jewels, there’s none better than Georgina’s incumbent Rob Grossi. He’ll simply drop his pants, stand naked from the waist down and look every bit a winner.
In Newmarket
Tony Van Bynen will grab his ferret by the neck, pull it out of his pants, slip out the back door and try to sell it.
Diane Springstein will be so busy trying to find out how much Van Bynen got in the sale, she’ll fail to notice the ferret chewed off her right leg.
Wendy Thibideau, John Ashworth and Michael Cascione will consider forming a coup, executing the ferrets and hightailing it out of Newmarket. Instead, the three will wave the white hanky six seconds into the game.
In Aurora
Loyal to nothing that lives, the ferret will have his way with Aurora incumbent Tim Jones. Tim won’t mind. He’s use to biting, knawing and pouncing. Tim will do what Tim does best: ignore it in the hope it will go away someday.
Phyllis Morris will be quick to announce that while ferret legging comes from her homeland, she’s never played the game. “When my ferret tires out, and it will, I’ll hang it on the line to dry,” Phyllis will promise.
Meanwhile, Nigel Kean will just drop to his knees and pray.
In East Gwillimbury
Incumbent Jamie Young knows the ferret has the spinal flexibility of a snake and the jaws of a pitbull. It’s OK, unless Jamie wants more children.
Golf course owner John Hayes will yell “Fore”, hoping the ferret ducks in all the right places, while Walied Zekry will bite his bottom lip, fight back the tears and ask himself why on Earth he wanted to be mayor.
In King
Incumbent Margaret Black will threaten her ferret with an after- life in the Big Pipe.
Mark Healy will plead with his ferret to make its journey as fast and as pain free as possible.
The first time the ferret sinks its teeth into Steve Pellegrini, it’ll get rabies.
So, who do you think will win the ferret legging election?
Joan: You are priceless. I can't get back to work, I am laughing so hard that I am crying !
Thank you.
I have to make yet another comment. I have been canvassing a lot and I am getting quite a picture of where we stand in Aurora.
I have to ask this... how bad is our political process when one can run on a platform of "planned growth" when there is no apparent plan after 12 years ? We have water shortages, power shortages and urban sprawl. The mayor is running on a platform of protecting the environment and yet he agrees to bull doze every square inch of development sites, while not preserving areas or putting in walking trails. He runs on a platform that says he will keep our taxes down and yet taxes have gone up 50% over the past six years. How can we have "smart growth" when the Mayor does not even return your phone call regarding an issue has the very real potential to impact thousands of residents ? There is no question that some people in the cocktail circuit love our jolly old Mayor, but for the rest of us peons that have issues that need addressing I think there is a slow but constant rumbling that is calling for change.
to give the guy some credit at least he is not calling for open, transparent and accountable government, because if he did he would definitely cross the "hypocritical" line.
Lets hope that voters do their homework and look past the expensive signs, glossy brochures and balloons filled with hot air.
Posted by: Richard Johnson | November 07, 2006 at 10:43 AM
It is my hope that no one in Aurora votes until they have seen the closing comments of the three mayoral candidates in Aurora, at last night's Rate Payer's Association all-candidates meeting held at our town hall.
It really says it all.
Anyone that does not see why we need change in this town could well fall into the category of being a "blind follower" as far as I am concerned. Check out re-runs of the November 7th meeting on Channel 10 for the closing remarks.
Based on my three years of experience, you should also take with a grain of salt (make that a bag of salt), the comments made by the Mr. Jones about his working with residents on pressing issues. FYI... at one point in the night Mr. Jones inferred indirectly that the power supply issue was as a result of one person. While I am not clear if I should be flattered, I am certain that he must have forgotten about the 750 people that showed up twice at two meetings in Markham and the 250 to 300 people that attended two meetings in Aurora on this topic. The on-line and hard copy petitions signed by nearly 3,000 people, the 653 letters to the Ministry of Environment and the OPA working group meetings attended by all of the towns in the Region and their citizen representatives for five full days of discussion must have also slipped his mind. He eluded to the fact that concerned residents are a "special interest group" at the first all-candidates meeting, so one has to ask how big an issue has to be for him to actually pick up the phone, go to a meeting or address issues proactively ? In the end it was left to residents to push for solutions to address our needs responsibly, with (thankfully) the support of a few more proactive and responsive elected officials.
If we want transparent and accountable government that does not run on personal agendas and vindictiveness the first thing we need to do is our homework, followed shortly thereafter by the exercising of our vote.
Posted by: Richard Johnson | November 08, 2006 at 07:45 AM