Barbs & Jabs

Come on, Canada — I'm just a boring, old aunt

I'm looking for Passport Canada's lost and found box.
It seems my passport application grew little feet and ran away.
Martin in Montreal can't find it.
Edward in Edmonton can't find it.
No name in Ottawa can't find it.
Everybody in Gatineau, Quebec can't find it.
Atonia in Toronto can't find it.
New Brunswick and Saskatchewan haven't weighed in yet, but I'd bet the family farm, they can't find it either.
Through a tracking number, Canada Post confirmed the passport office in Gatineau, Que. received my application May 28.
There was no worry  —  page one of the adult passport application reads, "Our goal is have the passport in the mail within 20 working days."
So far, I've waited 43 working days and had about 20 telephone conversations with Passport Canada nationwide.
The first time I called the 1-800 number to check the status of my passport, I grew old on hold. I was told no help was available and to call back later, I did. Three times. Finally, a recorded voice assured me my call was important to Passport Canada and that I was caller No. 24.
After a 35-minute wait, my call was answered. The very young service girl told me how busy she was and, in her best grown-up voice, reminded me it would not be fair to process my application ahead of others.
One of my joys of being alive 60-plus years is to have an 19-year-old read the rule book of life. You gotta like the "be fair, wait your turn" part.
At no time during any of the calls did I asked for preferential treatment — I just want my passport so I could go to my nephew's wedding in Chicago in early August. 
Come on Canada, my application is as dull as toast.
Born in Bowmanville, Ontario on Aug. 14, 1945 to Harold and Norma (nee Alldread) Ransberry, I've never been red flagged, worked for the same Canadian company for 30 years, know all the words to O'Canada and, of course, my Canada includes Quebec.
I am not a security risk. 
There's no record of me backing a radical movement, belonging to a cult or throwing pies at any head of state, living or dead.
This is silly.
For heaven's sake, I've only been arrested once — a protest, calling on the federal government to legalize birth control, got a little out of hand and I ended up in a paddy wagon. The charge disappeared and, to show my remorse for demanding women have control over their own bodies, I gave birth over and over and over again.
I'll say it again: I am boring. I've always voted for a mainstream political party, paid my taxes and not once have I had an evil thought about Don Messer and His Islanders, Foster Hewitt or Gordon Sinclair.
Raised on a farm in rural Ontario, I can square dance and do both the hokey pokey and the highland fling and I still get teary eyed when I hear the call of the loon or watch the first snowflake fall.
I lost a great uncle at Vimy Ridge and another uncle made the ultimate sacrifice in the in the Second World War. My dad's a 70-year member of the Order of the Orange Lodge and my late mother was the president of the United Church Women's Auxiliary.
I've been married and divorced, but only once. As a bonus, I eat Ontario-grown vegetables and Alberta beef. I don't pick trilliums, I feed baby Canadian geese and I've seen a moose. 
Believe me, Canada, I'm just an aunt wanting to celebrate the marriage of her only brother's only son. I've promised to show up, shut up and wear beige.
I scrapped the plan to fly to the U.S. in favour of Plan B —  I'll drive the 11-hour trip to Chicago.
Enter Catch 22.
In order to cross a Canada-U.S. land border, a birth certificate is required.
I have a birth certificate, but Passport Canada took it. They insisted I submit it when applying for the passport.
I did consider Plan C: have my 42-year old daughter drive my car across the border, while I hide in the trunk. An international traveller, I just know my kid would refuse to smuggle her mother into another country.
Passport Canada came up with a solution today, seven days before I'm to leave. I can visit a passport office in Toronto and re-apply. They require that I, once again, fill out an eight-page form, submit photos, get a guarantor's signature and blah, blah, blah.
Apparently, after a who-knows-how long period of time, Passport Canada will review the application. Bottom line: I may or may not be issued something called a Limited Validity Passport.
Never mind what I said in response. Rather, I went to Plan D and called Canada Border Services.
My call was answered by a real human on the first ring. The lady listened to my spiel and asked one question: "Do you have a photo copy of your birth certificate?"
I answered, "Yes."
I was then advised to take the photo copy, have a lawyer or a mayor sign the back of it and bring it along to cross the border. The nice lady said I'd be welcomed into the United States.
P.S. If my passport, complete with birth certificate, ever shows up, I'll kiss the ground of Canada.

The world's got a chance

Nelson Mandela is marking his 89th birthday by launching  the Global Elders, a group of wise man and women who will address global  problems by offering expertise and guidance to reduce conflict and despair.
  The group is to speak freely and boldly. The first rule  could be: No spin doctors allowed.   
  The Global Elders will gets its strength not from  military, political or economic power, but from the independence and integrity  of the individuals on board.
  The Global Elders will fill a void, considering that on  the global front, we're living in leaderless times. This reality suggests  perhaps we'd be better served if we turned to our elders for guidance. 
  Talk about a who's who roundup - Besides the former  president of South Africa, the first slate of Golden Elders are made up Desmond  Tutu, the Anglican Archbishop, Jimmy Carter, former president of the United  States, Mary Robinson, former Irish president, Kofi Annan, the former  secretary-general of the United Nations and Muhammad Yunus, the Nobel laureate  economist and founder of the Green Bank in Bangladesh. Also invited to join  are  Li Zhaoxing, the former foreign  minister of China, Ela Bhatt, the Indian activist and  Gro Harlen Bruntland, former prime minister  of Norway and director of the World Health Organization.
  What kind of a world would we have if all major  government recommendations, including military moves, had to be scrutinized and  approved by the Global Elders.   
  Mandela brings two precious gifts to the table - he can  foster agreement where there is conflict and he can inspire hope where there is  despair.
  It has been a long long time since either Canada or the  United States had a leader in the same league as Mandela. It's hard to imagine  George Bush or Stephen Harper breaking from the pack long enough to accomplish  one single thing that would make the world a better place.
  Mandela comes to the world stage with heart, courage and  calm. Along with his Global Elders counterparts, he'll continue to offer hope  to all.
  Something to think about

If I were a 911 operator...

It's a good job I wasn't the 911 dispatcher taking the report of the elephant sightings in Newmarket in the dead of night yesterday.
Here's what you'd get if I was the dispatcher.
Caller: There are two elephants walking down the street on Eagle Street in Newmarket.
Joan the dispatcher:  Get out in front and turn it into a parade.
After listening to the 911 call, I wondered if the dispatcher had to adopt an emotional flat line to resist asking if the elephants were pink.
When Susie and Bunny decided to go for a stroll, it was the first escape in the 70-year history of Garden Brothers Circus.
"We're taking steps to make sure this doesn't happen again," Ian Garden, president and ringmaster of the circus, told the media.
This guy's a killjoy - his elephants put a smile on many faces without costing anyone a dime.
See what happens when you don't listen to the boss.
To Susie and Bunny, good on you.

With 6 more dead, when will we wake up?

If we lined 66 Canadian flag-covered coffins in a row, would we care any more?
Six Canadian soldiers died yesterday. Now is not the time to call the troops home from Afghanistan, our prime minister tells the nation.
I agree with Stephen Harper 100 per cent. Now is not the time to pull Canada's troops out of harm's way. The time was yesterday.
In fact, in keeping with Canadian sentiment, we should have brought the soldiers home before they got there.   
I listened as Mr. Harper, Liberal leader Stephane Dion and New Democrat Jack Layton dance around the dead.
Mr. Harper keeps echoing George W. Bush's outdated and empty sentiments, while the best the Grits and New Dippers can do is not support extending the Canadian tour of duty beyond 2009.
In other words, the message from the Opposition is this: It's OK to keep killing. However, once we reach the magic day in February 2009, it will not longer be OK. lt will turn into a bad thing.
I can see it now —  every damned politician will take to the stage, endorse the pullout, salute in military style and praise the dead.   
As the days creep by, it saddens me who is in charge and who wants to be in charge. We are, indeed, living in leaderless times.
Worse yet, the country has slipped into a bloody coma.
Canada is so deep in sleep, we couldn't see 66 coffins standing in a row. Every damned one of us deserves to have a spine-chilling nightmare.
For the love of 66 dead soldiers, wake up.