Barbs & Jabs

Blowing hard-earned tax dollars on silly stuff

I've got a new slogan for the province: Ontario, the Land of Entitlement.
Government can find the courage to put aside bankruptcy, crime-ridden streets and environmental Armageddon to find the courage to figure out how birds fly in Hungary and if cows dream in colour.
It can blow $700,000 putting Crown lawyers and judges up in luxury resorts and provincial Education Minister Kathleen Wynne can give her stamp of approval to spending $2.3 million on hotels over the past year.
Garbage first.
Of course, there are always funds available in case Italians put out their garbage. The Italy-Canada motto is: Have trash, we'll travel. At least it seemed that way after $26,000 worth of taxpayer dollars were spent to send Vaughan and York Region politicians to Italy earlier this summer to, among other things, tour waste facilities.
The people we elect know our lot in life is to look the other way while they bring us to our knees. And, if hard-earned tax dollars are blown on personal greed and silly stuff, all the better. 
I feel so sorry for Attorney General Michael Bryant — with whom nit picky Conservative John Tory is taking issue. Poor Michael, for letting the public servants book into a Blue Mountain resort and into Muskoka's very plush Deerhurst Inn.
The damned tattle-tale Tories are at it again. This time, they're whining because the Education Ministry racked up up such hotel bills as $719,038 at the Marriott, $714,909 at the Sheraton and $287,524 at the Delta, to name a few.
Hey guys, did you know $2.3 million would buy 32.3 million pencils, 47,289 text books, 6,775 computers. On it goes.
The big guns in York Region's nine municipalities need to know, too. From here on out, money's no object. Tax anything that moves and anything that's still, tax anything that's alive and tax anything that's dead. Tax, tax, tax 'til your heart's content. Never mind accountability. We're taxpayers. We'll pay. That's our job.
In the Land of Entitlement, allow me to draft up a plan.
Let's give Georgina Mayor Rob Grossi $788,000 to travel to wherever to find out if feathers tickle, why aren't birds always giggling?
In Markham, Mayor Frank Scarpitti can bring in a double-digit tax hike and sleep in hotels all over North America so he can determine how snowplow drivers get to work.
Permission should be granted to Aurora Mayor Phyllis Morris to spend $617,000 on travel and hotel accommodations to determine if instant coffee is put in a microwave, does time run backward?
In East Gwillimbury, Mayor Jamie Young can take a three-week break and blow $384,000 to find out if one-eyed people are blinking or winking.
Go ahead, King Township Mayor Margaret Black —  stick your hand in the public purse, haul out $120,000 and don't come back until we know how four and 20 blackbirds got into a pie?
Let's let Mayor Dave Barrow plunge Richmond Hill into debt providing he finds out if colour-blind people dream of a green Christmas?
Let's give Newmarket Mayor Tony Van Bynen and Vaughan Mayor Linda Jackson $1 million each to go on a fact-finding mission to determine how can you be knocked into the middle of next week?
Whitchurch-Stouffville Mayor Wayne Emmerson can travel the world on our dime, providing he uses his four weeks to find out if long-sighted people look at things longer?
In keeping with the new Ontario, York Regional chairperson Bill Fisch can spend $4 billion to find the answer to the biggest question of all: How does a fool and his money get together in the first place?

Some things never change

When you're facing financial ruin, you need to know the answers to the following questions:
•  Do cows dream in colour?
•  Are birds experiencing flight problems?
•  What makes a frog leap?
•  What do the Italians do with their garbage?
•  Do you need a tall building to jump from?
Cash-strapped Toronto is putting the threat of bankruptcy aside to do the right thing: the city's spending $5,000 to send a councillor to Hungary to attend the World Association of Zoos and Aquarium's 62nd annual conference.
Since we're Hogtown's neighbour, I can't tell you how relieved I am to learn that when Toronto Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti arrives in Budapest next week, he'll get a first-hand account of flight restraints for birds.
Think about it: Those damned birds might want to fly to Markham or Keswick. Are we on their  flight path? If so, we'd better hit up the taxpayer for $8,000  to pay for the Hungarian bird welcoming party.
Isn't life grand? The moment we think we're doomed, the likes of Councillor Mammoliti comes along and saves the day.
It was the same 20 years ago. During the recession, when businesses were folding like accordions, the unemployment lines resembled something out of the dirty '30s and hard-working folks were losing their homes, the Ontario government found the courage to come up with enough grant money to let a Canadian university determine, once and for all, if cows dream in colour.
I forget if the university found out if Bossy dreams in black and white or in every damned colour of the rainbow, but I'll never forget how hard the Queen's Park spin doctors worked to make the over-burdened taxpayer feel all warm and fuzzy when paying the freight. 
Take it from me - times, they are not achanging. 
Last month, York Regional chairperson Bill Fisch, Vaughan Mayor Linda Jackson and her husband, two other regional politicians and a couple of over-paid bureaucrats quietly slipped out of the region and headed for Italy.
Among other things, the group checked out the trash. The trip cost you $26,000 and you're still waiting for the garbage report.
What is it about Italian trash?
The minute Italy whips off a new way to hide its garbage, Canadian politicians beeline to the airport. Funny thing — the politicians are always Italy-bound in the summer. When you're packing the tent to take the kids camping at Sibbald's Point  Provincial Park, your public servants are taking in the glorious sights of Rome.
I wrote my first local-politician-heads-to-Italy story in 1979 when Ajax Councillor Henry Westney flew to Rome to visit  a new energy-from-waste facility that promised to turn garbage into steam to heat whole towns. The process worked so well, Ajax did the right thing and soundly rejected it.
There are, however, two differences between then and now: Councillor Westney paid his own way and reported his findings about nine seconds after returning home.
Don't despair: while at the little birdies and wiggly and crawly things conference, the Toronto councillor might determine if leap-frogging is a natural phenomenal or just caused by radioactive waste.
If, by chance, you're heading to the tall building to take the leap, be forewarned — there's a mile-long lineup.

This story has teeth

A near-dead dog, a pair of handcuffs, three lost teeth, charges every which way, a job suspension and a public outcry.
I like it.
Not only does it get a journalist's blood flowing, it's a damned good example of the human condition.
One key question is: When animal cruelty investigator Tre Smith pulled a suffering dog from a sweltering car in Toronto recently, did he go too far?
Before rushing the Rottweiler to a vet, Mr. Smith handcuffed the pet owner to a car, leaving him in a rather vulnerable position. 
The dog owner lost three teeth after being beaten by angry animal lovers.
The dog's recovering in doggy jail, the pet owner has been charged with animal cruelty and the vigilante-style attackers have been charged with assault.
To top it off, Mr. Smith has been suspended from his job, yet, to some, he is a hero.
I like it.
God knows we could use more heroes.
Flip the coin and there's more — the pet owner claims we're not living in the middle ages where you put someone in city square and people throw rocks at you and spit on you.
I like it.
When I put all the players under my microscope, I see a dog that should be outlawed since Rottweilers are no different than pit bulls, a dog owner who's a bit on the stupid side since he left the animal in the hot car, a sexy bad-boy wanna-be cop and a judicial system that will spend a million dollars trying to figure out who's wrong, who's right and who's in between.
I like it.