Barbs & Jabs

Why can't they speak English from their soapboxes?

In my next life, I'm going to teach human as a second language.
Since it took an hour to plod through a glossy, 25-page tabloid-style report published by the Town of Newmarket, I felt like slapping Mayor Tony Van Bynen upside the head.
While the report is pretty, well-packaged and, no doubt, pricey, it falls short of conveying its message. In brief, much of the report is in a language commonly known as bureaucratese.
Here's a question: If you name a report the Newmarket Community Report, wouldn't it be nice if the community could understand it?
If the intent is to have politicians and government staff hang on every word, why not call it the Newmarket Bureaucratic Report and spare the general public the pain.
Tony, take note: Since you've got well-deserved bragging rights, put your tongue and brain in sync and speak so normal, everyday people can understand you're trying to say Newmarket is in fine shape.
Why not say, "Newmarket is like whiskey and sex. There's no such thing as a bad Newmarket, there's only good and better."
Here's a tip, Tony: Pretend you're talking to a plumber, the girl pouring your coffee at the restaurant, the nurse who took your blood pressure, the furnace man who fixed your thermostat or this 62-year-old newshound who's too damned old and too damned tired to translate.
Before I continue my rant, I must point out the well-liked, hard-working mayor of Newmarket is not alone in his failure to communicate with the average Joe. I have witnessed the same problem in every municipality in York Region and beyond. It has been going on ever since God placed a little baby bureaucrat on the face of the Earth and when the big guy said, "Be fruitful and multiply," he was dead serious.
If I put all the politicians and government staffers who speaking predominately bureaucratese in one place, I'd book the Taj Mahal.
Here's what I get when I played I Haven't A Clue while reading the recently published 2006/2007 Newmarket Community Report (these are direct quotes taken from the document):
• With build-out approaching, a focus on financial and environmental sustainability is more important than ever;
• By topping up the asset-replacement fund and establishing a plan to align tax increase to various inflation indices within five years;
• For the facility (Magna Centre) naming rights, it will generate over $300,000 annually in advertising and other ancillary services;
• Council and staff plan to gradually top-up the asset-replacement fund each year; and
• Operating on a full-cost recovery basis, Central York Fire Services receives an annual retainer of $100,000 plus call fees, recoveries and adjustments.
I giggled when I read this: "an important document sits quietly, unobstrusively on a counter in the planning department".
When it comes to bureaucratese, nobody speaks it better than Newmarket's top gun, chief administrative officer Bob Shelton. "Committing to sustainable design and construction practices and so much more," is one of his report offerings.
For people who wonder if pending growth means they're about to live a sardine-can lifestyle, here's what the document states:
"Within the next 10 years, conventional outward development will become a thing of the past as Newmarket approaches build-out."
If you're really upset about the town growing too big, too fast, there are comforting words in the report. To make you feel even better, rub your belly, pat your head and spin counter clockwise on one foot while repeating this: "The Province's growth mandate that sees growth focus on infill and intensification in three adjoining urban areas.
For others who worry about Newmarket committing environmental suicide, here's a statement from the report to put your mind at ease: "New buildings will be assessed during the pre-design stage to determine if achieving the Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design standards at the silver level is feasible."
I detect you can't handle any more, so I'll spare you.
We could use some straight talk, Mr. Mayor.
Since I like Tony, I'll offer this tip: If we've got money troubles, tell us we're heading for the rhubarb, about to get bit on the arse or we're going to hell in a handbasket.
And, if we're in the money honey, just say we're laughing.

Prepare for influx of booze runners n'er-do-wells

Since I don't do booze, I wouldn't stand in the line to stuff a cork into Newmarket Mayor Tony Van Bynen.
Nor would I twist off Markham Mayor Frank Scarpitti's top.
Toronto Mayor David Miller's plan to pull cash-strapped Hog Town out of the fire is to slap a booze tax on those buying beer, liquor and wine inside the city's boundaries.
Would somebody tip over York Region's chair and inform occupant Bill Fisch nap time's over — a drunks-in-progress domino effect is about to hit home.
Think about it: could a booze tax in Toronto trigger the return of rum running, the giant of a byproduct linked to prohibition during the Dirty 30s?
Will York Region bootleggers make a beeline for Yonge and Bloor?
Will we see traffic safety guy Sgt. Cam Woolley warning beer-bound motorists to be nice to each other when stuck for hours on eastbound Hwy. 401?
When the thirsty beer cravers take the cutoffs at Hwy. 400 or Hwy. 404, will Mayor Miller do the right thing and put up "You're Almost There" signs?
When loading up on cheap booze in Newmarket, Aurora, Whitchurch-Stouffville, Richmond Hill and Markham, will there be a billboard on southbound Hwy. 400 and 404, reading, "Thanks for specialized shopping in York Region. Come again."
While we've still got time, let's encourage Mr. Fisch and his nine mayor disciples to launch a "We're wetter than you" campaign.
Think of the tourism potential.
Instead of drunk tourists dumping their bucks in Toronto, they stumble into York Region and spend, spend spend.   
Remember, slapping a levy on the retail sales of alcohol in one town wakes up the booze business in another. This knee-jerk reaction is common among humans.
Here's a comforting thought: I'll never pay a booze tax. 
Then again, when a town or city's gotta make ends meet, a politician's imagination goes into overdrive. After the booze tax goes into play, will Mayor Miller stress the importance of fairness and balance and come up with an alcohol-abstainer tax?
Miller won't get any flack from Alcoholics Anonymous. Their members don't have last names and they hide in church basements

Parade will be inclusive event

Hard on the heels of a gay wizard, Aurora's out of the closet.
As Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling continues to answer questions about the revelation one of her characters, wizard Albus Dumbledore, was a homosexual, gays and lesbians are being invited to the proposed 2008 Canada Day parade in Aurora.
Sher St. Kitts is the driving force behind bringing the Canada Day parade back to town. The parade was cancelled last year, disappointing many people, including Mrs. St. Kitts and her four children.
Snowball residents, the St. Kitts family like Aurora and looked forward to visiting the neighbouring town to salute Canada on her birthday. Mrs. St. Kitts is a flag-waving patriotic Canadian.   
Instead of sitting back and playing "ain't it awful" when the parade was dropped for 2007, Mrs. St. Kitts put a plan in place and she's now reaching out to everyone to make sure Aurora, once again, celebrates Canada Day in grand style.
It's both an impressive and progressive plan.
When issuing her town-wide invitation to get involved in the parade, Mrs. St. Kitts included lesbians and gays along with service clubs, local choirs, churches, schools, businesses, people with pets, artists and bands.
Knowing there is a gay community within all York Region municipalities, Mrs. St. Kitts recognizes homosexuals, too, are proud Canadians.
Homosexuals have equal status in Canada because they are equal to all others. They live in peace and harmony and are welcomed in Aurora.
As an individual with gay and lesbian friends and family members, I recognize Sher St. Kitts and others like her, displaying why Canada is, indeed, the finest country in the world.
If it's good enough for Hogwarts, it's good enough for Aurora.
Let's hope we see Dumbledore in the local parade.

Boy, aren't we Ontarians lucky

"Slap-shot workmanship" and "deficient maintenance" are terms use when determining blame for the overpass collapse that killed five people in Montreal last year.
The hard-hitting commission report came 12 months after the 40-year-old De la Concorde overpass fell onto Hwy. 19 in Laval.
The commissioners' report condemned "widespread negligence" in the building of the bridge.
While half of the bridges in Quebec will need structural work in the next five years, apparently things aren't as bad in Ontario —  we can only sing "Ontario bridges falling down" when travelling across one-third of ours.
How very comforting.

One word describes Liberals: cowards

Liberal Leader Stéphane Dion needs to check his body, taking a hard look at his spine, stomach and backbone.
If there was ever a government that needs to be soundly defeated, it's Prime Minister Stephen Harper and his peculiar brand of Conservatives.
The reasons why Canada needs to send this government packing are many. I'll pick two from the smorgasbord.
• The Conservatives' refusal to help save us from ourselves by not getting on the Kyoto bandwagon. The best the Tories can do is promise a greenhouse gas emissions reduction of 45 to 65 per cent by 2050. Why do I have to wait until I'm 105 to applaud this government?
• Extending Canada's involvement in war-torn Afghanistan until 2011.
Tuesday's throne speech suggested Canada needs more time to train Afghanistan's military and police.
Why is it when a Conservative government talks, we never hear the word ceasefire. Instead of focusing on stopping war, the plan is to beef up our military to keep the battle going.
Here's my advice to Mr. Harper.
Mr. Prime Minster, the truth is a very stubborn thing. The truth is Canada is a peacekeeping nation.
Why is it every time I see a young solider return home in a body bag, the word peace is never spoken. In regard to Afghanistan, Canada has sent 71 Canadians to their death. Mr. Prime Minister, you're often quick to suggest the families of the fallen stand proud. I'm the niece of a man slaughtered on a battlefield. I'm not proud. My uncle and thousands like him were hoodwinked. They died because world governments, including the Allies, failed in their responsibility to keep the peace.
Mr. Harper, if we continue to glorify war, it will be forever with us.
Let's shift the spotlight on the Liberals.
While I acknowledge Mr. Dion is a very poor communicator, I did consider him to be a man of strength, a compassionate human being and a leader with solid conviction. I've been told the Liberal leader is bulldog stubborn, an honest man and does not suffer fools gladly.
Yesterday afternoon, I got a taste of Mr. Dion's leadership. I pinned my ear to an old radio and listened as he put himself in fighting form, ripped the dung out of the throne speech, drop-kicked Mr. Harper not once, but often, and made me proud to call myself a Canadian.
And then it was over. Mr. Dion folded like an accordion and ran like a puppy with his tail between his legs.
Apparently, the Liberals are going to abstain from voting on the throne speech. How shameful. One word describes today's Liberals: cowards.
Here's my personal advise to Mr. Dion:
Stéphane, when it comes down to fish or cut bait, cast the line straight and do it now.

What has happened to the federal Liberals?

The best thing about the provincial election is it's all over, including the crying.
Let's shake off the dust and take a brand spanking new look at tomorrow. 
I don't mean to make you gag but, from my perch, I see Prime Minister Stephen Harper itching to call an election.
Our prime minister is hopping up and down so high and so fast, he looks like a little boy in need of a place to piddle.
Harper has been taking a look at the lay of the land and has come to the conclusion the timing couldn't be better. Once tomorrow's throne speech is delivered, the old hide-and-seek game, complete with "ready or not", will echo throughout the country.
Look at the latest news: Worried about those damned body bags returning from that funny far-off land, Harper appoints a bunch of  nice flag-waving Canadians to a committee to turn the war in Afghanistan into a good thing for Canada.
As a bonus, yesterday, a gift landed on the doorstep of the House of Commons, putting a big grin on Harper's face. It's rumoured the prime minister takes his cue from U.S. President George W. Bush and doesn't read much. But as sure as God made little green apples, Harper's lapping up every word in former Liberal prime minister Jean Chretien's latest memoirs, which hit the streets on the weekend.
I bet Harper did the pee dance when he came to the part where Chretien hit former Grit prime minister Paul Martin up the side of the head with a two-by-four, further weakening the Liberals.
The Liberals are asleep at the switch. The Grits don't even have candidates in place in 26 Ontario ridings, including Newmarket-Aurora.
I gotta ask: What has made the Grit giant shrink?

I was 5 for 7 (4-1/2 if you were counting)

I'm eating two crows for dinner tonight.
When I predicted  election result for York Region's seven ridings, I was dead wrong on two counts and a little off on one.
While I called Liberal Mario Racco the winner in Thornhill, PC Peter Shurman beat him by about 2,000 votes.
In case you care, Richard Ciano, Mr. Shurman's campaign manager, is a man of few words. He answered my election prediction blog. His response was to the point: "Wrong."
You're right, Mr. Ciano. I was wrong. So hang me with a new rope.
I thought PC Alex Yan would paint Richmond Hill blue, but thanks to Liberal Reza Moridi, the town was painted red.
As yet, nobody's noticed I made the wrong call in Richmond Hill. Nor, has anyone picked up on the fact I was dead on in Markham-Unionville, Newmarket-Aurora, York-Simcoe and Vaughan.
I wasn't exactly on the mark when I called a squeaker in Oak Ridges-Markham. It was a smooth and easy win for Grit Helena Jaczek.

Politicians need to remember the folks who elect them

Now that Dr. Helena Jaczek is the new Oak Ridges-Markham MPP, the first thing on her agenda should be to take a crash course in being co-operative, respectful and nice to the media.
If I was Dr. Jaczek, I'd sneak Newmarket-Aurora MPP Frank Klees into the backroom and pick his brain. Not only does Mr. Klees understand the media, complete with its ever-present time constraints, he knows shooting the messenger can backfire and kick you square in the ass.
I would not for a minute underestimate Dr. Jaczek's intelligence. I'm not suggesting she ask Mr. Klees to share his brain cells. I'm simply asking my MPP to alter what appears to be a snobbish attitude.
Dr. Jaczek needs to be reminded she's now a servant of the people.
It's not the other way around.
Last night, York Region Media Group reporter Simone Joseph asked Dr. Jaczek about her Queen's Park plans. She responded she was "not in the mood for in-depth interviews".
A politician for about five minutes, she then pivoted and walked away.
How's that for thumbing your nose at the public?
The fact our team had about one hour after the polls closed to produce seven newspapers as well as keeping our website up to date is something Dr. Jaczek should have known and understood.
I'm sure Mr. Klees would be happy to teach Dr. Jaczek that if you snub the media, you're snubbing the public.
To all the winners in last night's election, congratulations. To all the losers, you did your very best.
Everyone should take a bow.

No good excuse for skipping election day

If you're not voting tomorrow, here are a few excuses.
Pick one;
• They're all the same, so what difference does it make;
• I don't follow politics;
• I'm too busy; or
• I don't give a flying hoot.
Nothing, including a blinding snowstorm, a fever of 105 or 14 people coming for dinner and only two hours to get ready would keep me from voting.
A particular candidate, political party or a leader influences my vote, but none are the key reason I must visit a polling station on election day.
I vote for freedom.
During the past 40 years, I've been in many moods while voting.
I've held my nose and thought of England, considered getting dead drunk and, yes, I've been bull-stomping mad.
I've been elated because I knew I was voting for the winner and, while a little sad, I always stood proud when backing a loser. I have never regretted voting.
When I go to the polls at Ballantrae Community Centre tomorrow, I'll feel good. Freedom does that to me.
P.S.
Would every political party volunteer stand and take a bow. You did your best. It matters.

My election night predicitons

Get ready for a yawn, two landslides, a squeaker, one too close to call and a horrible aftershock. 
Here's my take on the Oct. 10 provincial election here in York Region.
• It'll be a landslide for Liberals Greg Sorbara in Vaughan and Michael Chan in Markham-Unionville. 
• Thornhill will come down to the wire — the nail-biting will, however, end when Liberal Mario Racco crawls out in front.
• In Richmond Hill, Progressive Conservative Alex Yuan will surprise no one. He'll win.
• PCs Frank Klees in Newmarket-Aurora and Julia Munro in York Simcoe will be returned to Queen's Park but, their days of winning by wide margins are over. 
• Oak Ridges-Markham is so up in the air, the thin oxygen level is playing Dixie in my head. The moment I pick PC Phil Bannon as the winner based on his local popularity, PC leader John Tory's faith-based school fiasco tips the riding in favour of Liberal Helena Jaczek.
Provincewide, it'll be an ever-so-slim majority for the Liberals.
A sad casualty in this election will be the collapse of the New Democratic Party vote, while the Green Party will prove they missed a very real opportunity to attract support, proving a political party has to do more than dominate all things green.
P.S. Brace yourself for the horrible aftershock — a federal election in early December.