Barbs & Jabs

Blast from the past

Sometimes I ask the tough questions.
And the guy with the best answer is once disgraced Markham MP Jag Bhaduria.
Today, I asked five mayors from the northern part of York Region what they'd would do if one of their councillors was in the same hot water as Markham Regional Councillor Jim Jones.
While on a York Region retreat, Mr. Jones assaulted a maid in his room. 
For me, it's not a tough question. The answer's simple: Mr. Jones should resign from Markham and York Region councils since the former Conservative MP pleaded guilty to assault.
But I'm sorry to report nobody said, "Kick his ass out the door" or "Make him mayor."
Instead, here's what the northern mayors (and the one voice from the past) had to say.
• Georgina Mayor Rob Grossi: "Don't let me be the judge. I'm human. Mr. Jones made a mistake. If he feels he can be responsible in his (council) duties, then so be it." 
• Whitchurch-Stouffville Mayor Wayne Emmerson: "It is time we had (provincial) legislation in place to deal with such matters. If I could (do so) legally, I'd ask for a resignation."
• Newmarket Mayor Tony Van Bynen: "I would ask the councillor to consider resigning."
• King Township Mayor Margaret Black: "I would ask the councillor to meet with myself in my capacity as head of council along with the chief administrative officer or the clerk and our lawyer to discuss the impact on our municipality and then seek direction from council."
• Aurora Mayor Phyllis Morris: "I'd assess the impact on the community, assess council's ability to continue to govern, meet with the councillor, get legal advice and then speak with council."
Although I didn't ask Mr. Bhaduria to respond to the question, his thoughts outshine those of the local mayors. Here's his take:
"The Jones episode shows a sad and pathetic tendency of many people of Markham and elsewhere to express a biased reaction based on a person's colour. In reaction to Mr. Jones' highly offensive behaviour against a woman, I have not seen a world-shattering public opinion and demand for his head from the people of Markham in stark contrast to my case for the error of a Liberal Party idiot who misunderstood what a qualification meant. Where are the councillors who orchestrated a mass petition campaign against me for no mistake of mine. Shame on everyone who harbours a double-faced opinion."
You gotta love Jag.

Jones should resign

One of Markham Councillor Jim Jones guilty-as-charged hands should pick up a pen, write a letter of resignation and get lost.
The former Progressive Conservative MP recently pleaded guilty to assault after grabbing a motel maid and asking for a kiss.
The assault took place when Mr. Jones was on a York Region government retreat.
Richmond Hill Councillor Brenda Hogg suggests if Mr. Jones is accused of a similar actions again, it would be time to "pull out the big guns".
Brenda, Why wait for spring? Do it now.

Christmas memories aren't always good

There's no better way to kick off the holiday season then to remember your worst Christmas ever.
Mine was in 1969.
Since my kids had chicken pox, I had to host the big meal. My brother-in-law (now ex-brother-in-law) turned up drunk while my brother, a patient in Toronto General Hospital awaiting a kidney transplant, called to say he had a toothache and was waiting for a dentist to pull it so he could eat a soft-boiled egg as his only Christmas meal.
The gravy was lumpy, the bird over-cooked and my father was the only one to eat mom's Christmas pudding. The kids scratched their way through the meal, a candle dripped into the butter and my brother-in-law passed out on the couch.
My sister assured my father she'd divorce her husband as soon as he woke up.
After the meal, my parents headed off to Toronto to visit my hospitalized brother while my husband headed to the family farm to milk 40 dairy cattle.
I put the kids to bed and made myself a cup of hot tea. Before I took a sip, the smoke alarm went off. My eldest, a seven-year-old, had snuck out of bed to play with his new cap gun and lit the house on fire.
When the fire trucks arrived, I was out in the driveway trying to keep five kids warm.
Try to top that one.

Do you remember?

Nov. 22, 1963
Until mid-morning, it was a good day — playing with my baby, Dan, in my little house, the rent was paid, the cupboards were full and my tall husband was off to work.
Then the phone rang. It was grandmother. Her daily call usually came mid-afternoon. She was early.
I'll never forget her message: "Put the television on. President Kennedy has been shot"
Switching on the old black and white, the pain in Walter Cronkite's voice was overwhelming.  The hardened newsman couldn't hide his feelings. It was, indeed, the United States' worst hour.

Nov. 22, 2007
In my little cottage on a little lake, life is good. The mortgage payment has been made, the cupboards are full and, at the crack of dawn, Dan called to tell me he was about ready to leave for work.
My 44-year-old son's call was not urgent.
Dan wanted to tell me to have a good day and, since it's the first real day of winter, to drive carefully. Don't hit the brakes too hard and make sure your gloves are on your hands and your hat is on your head, he said.
I did as I was told Moving along Aurora Road at 40 km/h, I remembered today marked the day John F. Kennedy died. It's almost noon. Other than me, nobody in the newsroom is sad. My colleagues are talking about England being eliminated from the 2008 European Cup.   

Do you remember? Let me know.

Going to new lengths

What next? A lady was sent home from work because her skirt was too long.  A Toronto Star survey found 57 per cent of people think her employer at Pearson International airport was justified sending the airport security guard, a devout Muslim, home until she agrees to shorten her skirt. Instead of getting in a twist about the length of a woman's skirt, airport officials should focus their attention on safe takeoffs and landings without killing passengers and crews. If a woman wants to wear a long skirt, that's her choice. If the boss is a male, he should drop his pants. Think about it: pants go to the ankles just like the woman's skirt. If I were her, I'd be tempted to report to work buck naked just to get even.

Feds should ban Tasers

Death by Taser is barbaric.
Nobody will ever know for sure how much Polish visitor Robert Dziekanski suffered when the RCMP used a 50,000-volt Taser on him.
All we really know for sure is Mr. Dziekanski is dead and Canada should be ashamed. 
The non-English-speaking man arrived at the Vancouver airport in mid-October hoping to be met my his mother.
Mr. Dziekanski waited for about 10 hours. His mother, meanwhile, waited in another part of the airport and, when he didn't appear, she went home to Kamloops believing her 40-year-old son had missed his first-ever flight.
She had no idea her son lay dead following an encounter with the RCMP. 
Public Safety Minister Stockwell Day has asked for an examination of the weapons. Mr. Day needs to show compassion and courage and call on his government to ban the use of Tasers —  never mind examinations, studies and calling for input. Just take the Taser away from the cops, including the RCMP and kindly tell them to do their jobs without releasing powerful volts of electricity into people's bodies.
This is Canada. We're not barbarians.

How about a new motto for Canada?

For reasons I fail to understand, there's a call for a new motto for Britain. 
While many troubles are staring Britain's Prime Minister Gordon Brown straight in the eyes, he's doing the right thing: directing his attention to securing a new national motto for his beloved land. 
The out-with-the-old and in-with-the-new thinking is catching on like wildfire across the land. The PM is swamped with new motto responses.
I checked out the very long list and checked off my top three.
They are:
• Britain: making bad decisions since 1707;
• Once mighty empire, slightly used; and
• In America we trust.
Not to be left out, some think Canada should drop its dull, dreary and ever-so-old motto, From sea to sea, and come up with something brand new.
The new, made-in-Canada motto list is catching on. However, the pace is slow and steady, much like the country.   
Here's my top three for Canada:   
• Politics divides us, hockey unites us;
• Polite neighbour of world power; and
• Canada, what's not to love?

Name of game is attention to detail

Sometimes the whole town turns stupid.
This time, the Dumb Dumb Award goes to the Town of Markham.
Here's why.
Relatives of a Second World War pilot killed in action have been told the Town of Markham can't correct a misspelled street sign, named in his honour.
When Gordon Weeden of East Gwillimbury pointed out his late uncle's name was spelled wrong, he was told by a town official it would be very difficult to correct.
The incorrectly spelled name (Gordon Weedon Road) is registered and the signs are up.
Yes, making the correction carries some difficulty. But, so does going to war and not coming home to Markham.
Gordon Weeden, a flying officer with the Royal Canadian Air Force, died along with six crew members aboard their Lancaster bomber in December 1943. He was 23.
Markham has offered to name a park after Gordon Weeden.
Fine idea. But get the street sign fixed first.
Think of it as a deal: Gordon Weeden makes the ultimate sacrifice in the name of world peace, while Markham re-visits the registration process, makes the fix and sends out a public works crew to replace the street signs.
It's a good deal for Markham. Nobody will die.

Bureaucratese branches out again

Now, it's a chainsaw-wielding mayor with a councillor as his partner in crime.
Sorry folks, but the moment I promised to put my bureaucratese rant to bed, I got hit between the eyes with more.
Here's the story.
A little girl mouse told me she spotted East Gwillimbury Mayor Jamie Young and Councillor Marlene Johnson waving chainsaws. Not at each other, but at some beautiful trees on the divide between the old town hall and the Sharon Temple.
I called Paul Bunyan's office. Instead of returning my call, the mayor had staff send a report explaining the tree murder spree.
Here's the staffer's report word for word:
Please be advised that the Town had commissioned a woodlot assessment report to provide recommendations as to the health and management of the vegetation on the Town’s property and, to a certain extent, the wooded area which traverses onto the Sharon Temple lands. The area in which brush has been removed had been identified as having a low ecological integrity with the presence of many invasive species (eg. Manitoba Maples) and also included a septic bed tile field. Brush removal from the Town’s property involved working cooperatively with our neighbours to assist the Temple in removing some of the invasive species which were present on the Temple lands. Please also be advised that the Town, in consultation with the Sharon Temple Board, have retained a consultant to complete a Heritage Landscape Assessment for the Temple property. This is currently being undertaken and once complete will assist in Temple in its future planning as well as the Town in addressing inter-relationships between the Town’s lands and those of the Sharon Temple.
Jamie, don't you know I'm dumber than a bureaucrat? How could you make me read such gobbely gook? Is this punishment for past sins?
Since you're half my age, I'm allowed to tell you to stand up straight, look me straight in the eyes and answer the question: Did you or did you not pair up with Councillor Johnson, rev up the saws and drop a few East Gwillimbury trees?
If the answer is "no", then say, "no."
If the answer is "yes" you've got some 'splainin' to do.
Jamie, when my editor and I have to consult the dictionary and spend half an hour trying to translate your report, written completely in bureaucratese, there's something wrong.
Here's what I think you're trying to tell us: The Great Divide between the town hall and the Sharon Temple is an eyesore: there's scruffy brush and Manitoba maples, the poorest excuse for a tree ever put on God's green Earth.
When I was a kid, Hurricane Hazel blew down about 50 Manitoba maples on our farm. It was a horrific cleanup. A couple of years ago, two of the big buggers fell on my house, causing major damage and costing major money.
Jamie, if you did use a chainsaw to get rid of the Manitoba maples, good on you.
Now, to show I can also talk fancy, I hope your chainsaw has great power-to-weight ratio, perfect ergonomic form and is able to reduce operator fatigue.
If you get back to me and use words such as traverses, invasive species and low ecological integrity, I'll give myself a lethal injection.
Jamie, you're on the cutting edge. Why not become the first mayor in all the world to drop the bureaucratic smoke screens and tell it like it is.
I'm so tired of reading and hearing bureaucratese, I'm going to retaliate and talk to you in media language.
To all the politicians I've loved before, translate this: Shoot the mayor, download and close crop, use him as a kicker or bump him to 4. Before you add the -30-, consider a subhead or sidebar. Keep the ear lugs, hookers and the tombstones away from the masthead and the flag, but it can be boxed. The options vary: use a tagline, pull the quote, add some legs, use it as a freestander and, of course, avoid both the grip-and-grin and the big cheque. Make sure the font and point-count on the lede fits. Then again, spike the mayor and point and shoot the fire chief's head. Use it as a freestander, complete with cutline unless somebody brings in an EVP. Also, drop the cap, add a few bullets and give both the pic and copy the usual runaround.
The mayors across York Region have a total of eight minutes to translate, re-write and file to Drive #2.

Bureaucratese spreading like a virus

Just one thing more.
Before I put to rest my rant about mayors speaking a modernized dialect of bureaucratese instead of street-level English, another hair-pulling example hit my desk.
This time the offender is Aurora Mayor Phyllis Morris.
Here's the story:
Regency Acres Public School Grade 5 student James Andrew asked this question of Mayor Morris: With too much housing development, where will all the animals go?
Here's the mayor's answer: "James, currently the town of Aurora has in excess of 700 acres of green space that will never be developed. This is made up of a combination of woodlots, green open spaces and active park lands. The Oak Ridges Moraine also covers a significant area of Aurora and there are strict regulations that significantly limit development within natural areas such as valley lands, woodlots and stream corridors.
"For those areas in Aurora that will be developed, the town and the developers abide by strict environmental standards and conduct detailed environmental studies to assess the potential loss of vegetation and animal habitat."
Phyllis, Phyllis, Phyllis: —  the kid's only 11. He won't shave 'til he's 16; he's got a get-home-before-dark curfew; he still kisses his mommy when nobody's looking and he only weighs 70 pounds. The little guy's still bummed out 'cause there's no Santa Claus, the cute girl in his class doesn't know he's alive and if she did, he'd die. All he wants to know is what's going to happen to the groundhogs and the little green frogs if houses take up all the land.
Let's not subject poor little James or anyone to such bureaucratic jargon as "natural areas such as valley lands," or "woodlots and stream corridors" or "assess the potential loss of vegetation and animal habitat."
I gave Phyllis a heads up and told her, as a followup to Tuesday's post, I was using her answer to the where-will-all-the-animals-go question.
Here's what Phyllis said, "Join the club and kick me in the head. People who know me know I care about the little animals."
While Phyllis is as bright as a shiny new penny, she missed the mark on this one. The issue is not how much the mayor of Aurora cares about all God's creatures big and small. The issue is how the mayor answers a child's question.
P.S.
In Tuesday's post, I targeted Newmarket Tony Van Bynen, reminding him that his use of bureaucratese makes me break out in hives.
I have to hand it to Mr. Van Bynen — he knows how to take it on the chin. The former banker took a hard look at himself and admitted he's got more than one problem. Admitting to over using bureacratese, he fessed up to being fluent in bankerese. Actually, the former banker is multilingual. As well as English, the Holland-born mayor speaks dutch.
Tony sent my Tuesday post to York Region chairperson Bill Fisch and asked him to give it a read.
Newmarket's mayor's too nice to say this but I'm not: Mr. Fisch needs a crash course in human-as-a-second-language. As well, every government employee, including those working in communication departments across York Region, should sit in the front row and stay to the very end of the human-as-a-second-language class.
Here's an extra request to Tony: If, by chance, you can't break this bureacratese-bankerese habit, send me all your reports in Dutch.
To Phyllis: take a breath. Do a little listening and don't forget you're doing a bang-up job and we love you.