Bureaucratese branches out again

Now, it's a chainsaw-wielding mayor with a councillor as his partner in crime.
Sorry folks, but the moment I promised to put my bureaucratese rant to bed, I got hit between the eyes with more.
Here's the story.
A little girl mouse told me she spotted East Gwillimbury Mayor Jamie Young and Councillor Marlene Johnson waving chainsaws. Not at each other, but at some beautiful trees on the divide between the old town hall and the Sharon Temple.
I called Paul Bunyan's office. Instead of returning my call, the mayor had staff send a report explaining the tree murder spree.
Here's the staffer's report word for word:
Please be advised that the Town had commissioned a woodlot assessment report to provide recommendations as to the health and management of the vegetation on the Town’s property and, to a certain extent, the wooded area which traverses onto the Sharon Temple lands. The area in which brush has been removed had been identified as having a low ecological integrity with the presence of many invasive species (eg. Manitoba Maples) and also included a septic bed tile field. Brush removal from the Town’s property involved working cooperatively with our neighbours to assist the Temple in removing some of the invasive species which were present on the Temple lands. Please also be advised that the Town, in consultation with the Sharon Temple Board, have retained a consultant to complete a Heritage Landscape Assessment for the Temple property. This is currently being undertaken and once complete will assist in Temple in its future planning as well as the Town in addressing inter-relationships between the Town’s lands and those of the Sharon Temple.
Jamie, don't you know I'm dumber than a bureaucrat? How could you make me read such gobbely gook? Is this punishment for past sins?
Since you're half my age, I'm allowed to tell you to stand up straight, look me straight in the eyes and answer the question: Did you or did you not pair up with Councillor Johnson, rev up the saws and drop a few East Gwillimbury trees?
If the answer is "no", then say, "no."
If the answer is "yes" you've got some 'splainin' to do.
Jamie, when my editor and I have to consult the dictionary and spend half an hour trying to translate your report, written completely in bureaucratese, there's something wrong.
Here's what I think you're trying to tell us: The Great Divide between the town hall and the Sharon Temple is an eyesore: there's scruffy brush and Manitoba maples, the poorest excuse for a tree ever put on God's green Earth.
When I was a kid, Hurricane Hazel blew down about 50 Manitoba maples on our farm. It was a horrific cleanup. A couple of years ago, two of the big buggers fell on my house, causing major damage and costing major money.
Jamie, if you did use a chainsaw to get rid of the Manitoba maples, good on you.
Now, to show I can also talk fancy, I hope your chainsaw has great power-to-weight ratio, perfect ergonomic form and is able to reduce operator fatigue.
If you get back to me and use words such as traverses, invasive species and low ecological integrity, I'll give myself a lethal injection.
Jamie, you're on the cutting edge. Why not become the first mayor in all the world to drop the bureaucratic smoke screens and tell it like it is.
I'm so tired of reading and hearing bureaucratese, I'm going to retaliate and talk to you in media language.
To all the politicians I've loved before, translate this: Shoot the mayor, download and close crop, use him as a kicker or bump him to 4. Before you add the -30-, consider a subhead or sidebar. Keep the ear lugs, hookers and the tombstones away from the masthead and the flag, but it can be boxed. The options vary: use a tagline, pull the quote, add some legs, use it as a freestander and, of course, avoid both the grip-and-grin and the big cheque. Make sure the font and point-count on the lede fits. Then again, spike the mayor and point and shoot the fire chief's head. Use it as a freestander, complete with cutline unless somebody brings in an EVP. Also, drop the cap, add a few bullets and give both the pic and copy the usual runaround.
The mayors across York Region have a total of eight minutes to translate, re-write and file to Drive #2.

Comments

[Jack Hauseman]

JOAN - 3 members of Council knew nothing about the tree-cutting - Jamie and Marlene Johnston acted on their own - our senior staff were contacted with the request, and said NO - the 2 decided to proceed anyway, grabbed a few members of our works department anyway, and ordered them to assist in chopping down the trees - Johnston edited the Town's response you received and had it sent under the name of a Town Employee who wasn't aware of the infraction without informing our Senior Staff or 3 Members of Council - major breaches here and implications - Councillor's Morton, Hackson and Hauseman have asked for a special Council Meeting next Monday at noon to discuss the entire issue and deternime a proper course of action - the ultimate goal will be to act swiftly to address the concerns of the Temple Board, and re-establish the good working relationship we had prior to this fiasco, and decide on a proper course of action to make sure this never happens again - Regards, COUNCILLOR JACK HAUSEMAN

[Jack Hauseman]

JUST SOME OTHER THOUGHTS - This year, Council and Staff had discussed the cleanup of the area between our driveway and the Temperence Hall parking lot - this area is owned by the Town, and it's an unsightly mess with brush and the usual infamous Manitoba Maples LOL - it was staff's intention to have a proper evaluation of what was there done once the leaves had fallen, and then determine whether they had the expertise to clear the area, or whether the Town should hire a qualified contractor to do it - this likely would have happened next spring - part of the process would have been to have a plan in place to plant something better once any stumps had been removed - the evaluation of what's there was considered necessary by Council as we are a public body and want whatever we do to be done right, and conform to the laws of the land (ie. the Region of York Tree Cutting By-Law) - at that time we had planned to consult with the Sharon Temple Museum Society Board to see if they wanted any trees cut down and replaced on their adjoining property - as you are aware, although they own the Sharon Temple property, they are governed by 2 easements registered on title stating that no major alterations to the site should take place without waivers - these 2 easements are held by Parks Canada and the Ontario Heritage Trust - the Temple is a National Historic Site so these easements are not uncommon.
Mayor Young and Councillor Johnston were fully aware of these easements when they decided to march in and direct not only our property to be cleared, but the Sharon Temple property - the curator of the Temple, upon seeing the Mayor in full Chainsaw garb, did identify approx. 6 trees that could be cut down on Temple Property by painting red marks on them - when he returned a few days later (the site is closed by this time of year), not only had the six been cut down, but at least another 25 more - and for the record, the Temple say that several 20 foot pine trees were cut down, not just brush and Manitoba Maples - one has to ask why any Mayor would be out there dressed in full Chainsaw Garb, accompanied by a Councillor cutting down trees just because the proper process might take a while longer before the view was improved - by taking the situation into their own hands, not informing Council of their desire to do so, not sharing the response to you, proceeding when our professional staff told them not to do so, ordering works personnel to assist them in the job against the wishes of management and not informing management, they've opened themselves to breaches of the 2 easements, possible Health and Safety Board violations, possible charges and fines, coverups, suits, and stained our Town's reputation of being a Canadian Leader on many Environmental Initiatives - both our staff and the 3 remaining members of Council are very disappointed and frankly are sitting at the moment in disbelief that anybody could be so stupid and irresponsible - and from the feedback we've already received from the Globe and Mail article, our taxpayers are saying that any costs related to this incident should not ultimately be paid by their tax dollars, but rather by the 2 individuals themselves - so recovering costs must be part of our discussion as well - as mentioned before, we are now doing our best to address the concerns of the Temple Board - we've secured their site with proper temporary fencing, and we'll be meeting with them to address all their other concerns as quickly and responsibly as possible - hope my typical longwinded responses have at least explained the situation better! WHAT A MESS - Regards, COUNCILLOR JACK HAUSEMAN